Author: Aleks

I practice pro-sex therapy, which means that I:

• Believe that sex is a VITAL PART of a healthy relationship and a healthy life.
• Do not advocate for any kinds of sex, but I do support any sexual behaviors as long as they are SAFE and CONSENSUAL.
• Take a NON-JUDGMENTAL, NON-PATHOLOGIZING, and CLIENT-CENTERED approach to human sexuality. I believe people deserve to have the choice and freedom to explore and create their sexuality.
• DO NOT ALWAYS LEAD THE CONVERSATION TOWARD SEX but I do help my clients becoming comfortable talking about it at their own pace.
• Do encourage RESPECTFUL CURIOSITY in exploring sexuality.

We have all been hurt by others, and we all might have had questions such as if the other person deserves forgiveness, should we/ how to let the hurt go, is it always possible to forgive, etc. It can be challenging, and it takes time mainly if the harm is great. I have recently read an article The selfish act of forgiving by Lindsey Phillips. I believe it might be useful to share with you the author’s perspective on the complexities of forgiving. Here are some important thoughts:

Power to forgive.

Only people who have been hurt have that power. They first need to be ready and then to make a personal decision to forgive.

We forgive for ourselves.

The point is not to change or help the other person but to bring emotional healing, peace, liberation, and joy into our lives.

Benefits.

Forgiveness improves relationships, reduces stress, hostility, and anxiety, improves adaptation, decreases blood pressure, lessens pain and lowers the risk of heart disease.

Intrapersonal vs. interpersonal forgiveness.

Intrapersonal forgiveness is an attitude change, and it takes place only within the person who has been wronged. Interpersonal forgiveness is relational, requires setting aside the hurt and learning to trust the other person again which can be challenging. It is not minimizing, justifying or denying the wrong that other person did to us.

Reconciliation is not always part of forgiveness.

Sometimes it is not appropriate or possible to reconcile (e.g., if other person dies or is unwilling to talk). In these situations, intrapersonal forgiveness can be helpful.

Forgiveness is a teachable skill.

It requires to be consistently practiced and is not always a natural process. Learning and practicing this skill also helps people to determine how to be forgiven by others.

Mechila.

The Jewish concept of forgiveness, mechila means “You don’t owe me anything for what you have done, and I don’t expect anything from you.” It is an act of the will and helps in developing intrapersonal healing and regaining control of our lives.

Isn’t this brief review just another reminder that we can choose to change our energy and attitudes to empower ourselves and move forward?

Relaxation methods are crucial in dealing with anxiety disorders. I will address five anxiety coping techniques that can be used to increase energy, focus, and memory, to reduce insomnia and prevent cumulative stress. The more you practice these techniques, the more quickly and automatically you will be able to use them when you are in a tense situation.

Deep Breathing

It is one of the most used anxiety coping techniques. It is simple and can be practiced almost anywhere. Take a deep, full breath from your abdomen below your ribs (your hand should rise, and abdomen should expand), pause briefly (count to three), then exhale slowly and thoroughly. While you are breathing deeply, you might also slowly repeat calm words such as “Take it easy” or “Relax.” Give breathing your full attention. Repeat this exercise ten times. You can practice two or three sets of deep breathing to achieve relaxation. It takes five minutes to reduce anxiety and give you a sense of control over your response.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR)

Find a quiet environment, take a comfortable position (lying down or sitting up), have an empty stomach and comfortable garments, and practice daily twenty to twenty-five minutes. Tense each muscle group for seven to ten seconds and then relax it abruptly for fifteen to twenty seconds. For example: clench your fists for seven minutes and rest for fifteen minutes; tighten your biceps and triceps and then relax. Wrinkle up forehead and the muscles of your face. Relax. To tighten shins, pull your toes and feet up toward your face, hold, and then relax. Continue stretching and loosening your jaw, neck, shoulders, chest, stomach, lower back, buttocks, tights, and calves. If a particular muscle group is still tight afterward, you can repeat the technique two to three times with those muscles. Taking a thirty seconds break between each cycle is essential.

Imagery

Visualize a safe and special place where you can take yourself when feeling anxious, angry, or stressed-out. The peaceful scene (e.g., a beach, a forest) can be either from your memory or your imagination. While you are engaging in this exercise, notice as many sensory details as you can, such as the time of day, the colors, the air temperature, texture, sounds, and any people or animals present. Once you find or create your peaceful scene, you can practice it with other relaxation strategies. This exercise is beneficial as a way to destruct yourself from anxious thoughts and phobias.

Relaxing Music

To mitigate anxiety, listen to soothing music while driving or walking the dog, or use it as a background while at home or work. Also, you can put the radio on when in the shower. Music is a handy and powerful anxiety management technique. Listening to calming music helps the mind slowing down, relaxing your body and improving your mood. It can help decrease your heart rate, the pulse, and blood pressure and increase your ability to think and remember. You can find comforting and soothing different kind of music such as classical music, the sounds of nature, light jazz, or Indian stringed-instruments.

Yoga

This tool can be powerful to help you unwind and free you from anxiety. There are many different types of yoga practiced in the United States. The most popular is Hatha Yoga that incorporates physical positions, directed and controlled breathing exercise, and meditation. Based on your preference and physical ability, you can choose gentle or more challenging yoga and do it alone or with a group.

 

The more you practice these anxiety coping techniques, the more automatically you will be able to use them when you are in a tense situation.

Some myths about sex that my clients bring to our sessions are:

Non-sexual affection negatively affects eroticism.

Practicing loving touch (cuddling, hugging, massage, etc.) is very important for both partners because it helps them feel desired, desirable, loved, and connected. It is interesting how culture affects the perception of touch. Sidney Jourard, a psychologist, found that couples who went out to dinner touched one another 185 times per hour in Mexico City, 115 times in Paris, 0 times in London while the average in Gainesville (Florida) was two times an hour.

Men are sexual machines.

It is one of the biggest myths about sex. Men are not ready to have sex with any women/men, in any situation, at any time. 90% of males experienced erectile problems by age forty. Many men lose their initial erection during prolonged pleasuring, and it is just normal for erections to wax and wane a few times.

Men should always make the first move in sex.

In heterosexual satisfied and resilient relationships, both partners feel free to initiate sexual activities and are comfortable to refuse sex. Initiation of sex by women helps men reduce performance pressure that many men experience. Also, couples whose sex life is well, communicate openly and directly about what they want from their partners.

A man who has sex with another man (MSM) is a gay or bisexual.

This could be the truth but only partially. Many men, who are married to females,  engage in sexual activity with another man without being part of gay culture. Being gay is not just behavior; it is an identity and men who have sex with other men do not associate themselves to it. Many MSM do not practice anal sex. Instead, they may engage in mutual masturbation or oral sex exclusively. They also see sex as a sport and physical activity, without being emotionally attached to another man (no talking, kissing, hugging).

‘Clitoral’ vs. ‘vaginal’ orgasm.

This distinction was proposed by Sigmund Freud and is not scientifically proven. Researchers found that women orgasm reached through intercourse, masturbation, or any other type of stimulation produce the same physiological (biological) response although their subjective feeling of satisfaction varies and might be slightly different.

Masturbation is harmful and selfish.

There is no scientific evidence that sexual self-stimulation is wrong or harmful except if people masturbate exclusively even when they have an available partner or if it causes injuries due to rough stimulation. Three most common reasons for masturbation are to relax, to relieve sexual tension, and unavailable partner. Other reasons are boredom, pleasure, fear of sexually transmitted infections and to get to sleep. Researchers found that women achieve orgasms more reliably through masturbation than through partnered sex. Researchers also reported that although married men have more sex than single men, they also masturbate more than single men. Masturbation helps men dealing with erectile problems.

And don’t forget: As with everything else, overcoming myths about sex requires an open mind, curiosity, critical thinking, and evidence!

The excessive need for control is one of the personality traits that maintain anxiety. It is a constant need to control behaviors of others (i.e., overprotective parenting, micromanagement, etc.), fear of the ambiguous and unpredictable, having “I know the best way” attitude, an always anticipating problems approach, and maintaining rigid routines and schedules.  People with control issue are trying to focus mostly on externals while ignoring the real problem, which is usually inside themselves. It may be exhausting and overwhelming and may negatively affect health, relationships, career, etc. So, a good question would be how to manage control issues successfully?

Control issue may have its origins in a traumatic life experience that develops fears, powerlessness, and vulnerability. To cope, trauma survivors become hypervigilant and tend to regain control of their lives in unhealthy ways. Control issue may also be related to damaged/low self-esteem, lack of trust, and perfectionism.

Here are some simple and helpful strategies for managing the excessive need for control that will significantly improve the quality of your life:

• Improve patience and allow yourself to tolerate ambiguity and unpredictability of life. To distance yourself emotionally from the situation, practice deep breathing.
• Develop trust by starting to believe that the problem will work itself out. In case you cannot find a solution, change your perspective on that problem which will help you cope better with it.
• Practice acceptance and “go with the flow” by challenging and disputing your irrational thoughts and replacing them with rational and more accurate thinking. Letting go of unrealistic expectations and practicing relaxation can be very helpful.
• Enhance your sense of humor to defuse tension and to disarm difficult behaviors. Humor will help you to step back and get a different perspective on life’s problems which may lead to changing your response to them.
• Be open to alternative ways of doing things because there is always something new that you can learn.
• And don’t forget: As with everything else, learning how to manage control issues successfully takes practice!