We have all been hurt by others, and we all might have had questions such as if the other person deserves forgiveness, should we/ how to let the hurt go, is it always possible to forgive, etc. It can be challenging, and it takes time mainly if the harm is great. I have recently read an article The selfish act of forgiving by Lindsey Phillips. I believe it might be useful to share with you the author’s perspective on the complexities of forgiving. Here are some important thoughts:
Power to forgive.
Only people who have been hurt have that power. They first need to be ready and then to make a personal decision to forgive.
We forgive for ourselves.
The point is not to change or help the other person but to bring emotional healing, peace, liberation, and joy into our lives.
Benefits.
Forgiveness improves relationships, reduces stress, hostility, and anxiety, improves adaptation, decreases blood pressure, lessens pain and lowers the risk of heart disease.
Intrapersonal vs. interpersonal forgiveness.
Intrapersonal forgiveness is an attitude change, and it takes place only within the person who has been wronged. Interpersonal forgiveness is relational, requires setting aside the hurt and learning to trust the other person again which can be challenging. It is not minimizing, justifying or denying the wrong that other person did to us.
Reconciliation is not always part of forgiveness.
Sometimes it is not appropriate or possible to reconcile (e.g., if other person dies or is unwilling to talk). In these situations, intrapersonal forgiveness can be helpful.
Forgiveness is a teachable skill.
It requires to be consistently practiced and is not always a natural process. Learning and practicing this skill also helps people to determine how to be forgiven by others.
Mechila.
The Jewish concept of forgiveness, mechila means “You don’t owe me anything for what you have done, and I don’t expect anything from you.” It is an act of the will and helps in developing intrapersonal healing and regaining control of our lives.
Isn’t this brief review just another reminder that we can choose to change our energy and attitudes to empower ourselves and move forward?
